I find it very easy to update whenever E goes down. I don't want to call anyone, because I want to stay quiet and I often talk loud while on the phone. I might watch something, but am not feeling particularly inspired to watch any one thing. Therefore, I'm just sitting here browsing on the internet so may as well blog!
Around 11:30pm last night I woke up to E in my face crying. She was saying she wanted her Mama and Papa. I was very sleepy, so I just let her lay with me for about 5 minutes which calmed her down to almost sleeping again. Before she actually could fall asleep, I took her to her room. I don't think she came out again, but she might have. I was pretty sleepy. I kind of feel like she did and I just put her back in her room right away. That second time may have been a dream though...
E woke up earlier than I was hoping - 6:30 am. It wasn't too bad, I mean that is what I am used to for work! I just normally sleep in an extra couple hours on the weekend. I had her lay on the couch with me for a few minutes so I didn't have to get up right away. :) We had a kind of lazy morning until snack, just a few hours playing with toys, reading, and watching a few more minutes of the movie (not much, I swear!). After snack, we went to the park and played with an older girl who had a dog and a hamster. E loved it!
This afternoon we are going to go do an art project, which means I'm going to have to drive! It should be ok though, because it is a route I know so well. :) I'm thinking we will drive to my place, park at our house and see Max and say hi to my folks, then go over to Janet's!
They left me money to go shop and told me I'll probably need to... but I'm not sure I will! I feel bad leaving them with a kind of empty kitchen, but there is plenty for a good snack and dinner today, and breakfast, snack and lunch tomorrow! That'll make life easier (for me)! :)
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
A trip to the park!
E had a good long nap and when she woke up we headed down to the park! We stayed there for about 2.5 hrs, which was great! It was long enough to just feel like we were relaxing, in no rush, with all the time in the world. However, with a change right before heading out, it also meant that we didn't have to worry about a diaper change in public (unless there was a #2, so I had supplies just in case). We brought a snack with us (a banana and some carrots and hummus) so we could have a little picnic. We played on the playground, rolled down the hill, ran around in the grass, and drew on each others' arms in dirt. The last might not be the most normal activity, but she loved it and arms are washable so I let it become a really fun game. It was dry dirt and it was applied with a small stick, so it was not as messy as it sounds.
I realized that I'm kind of awkward with other caretakers at a park. They assume I'm a mom (which is logical, better to assume an aunt/nanny a mom, than to assume a mom to be an aunt or a nanny!!) - so I have to find the right time to fit in "I'm her aunt". Also it requires smalltalk which I often try to avoid. That said, it was fun and there was a nice mother there who is going to look into E's preschool for her own child next year!
The walk home from the park was a big trickier - she would stop occasionally, tried to put her souvenir rock in her mouth, didn't always want to have her hand held. I threatened our evening movie (a reward that she only got if she had a good day and obeyed). That worked and we were able to get home much quicker from then on. After dinner we did watch a bit of a movie, and we also talked to Anna for a bit. Overall, it was a good evening. I'm exhausted though! I've gotten very used to a particular routine, which does not involve going out places, talking to people or keeping a youngin' happy, healthy, safe and mannered.
I'm trying to keep her diet balanced. She is used to a really good variety. When explaining the routine, Brad said it doesn't matter too much what she eats as long as it isn't all carbs, all dairy, etc. When I came over this morning he told me really not to worry about it, saying he wants it to be easy for me. I still want to give her a really good healthy balance, but it can be hard!
Lunch: some beans (soupish) with half a wheat tortilla, some cottage cheese... she ate a lot less than I thought she would, so after half the tortilla she wasn't too hungry for more beans or cottage cheese - the main points of the lunch!
Snack: a small banana and some carrots and hummus ...
Dinner: a pita with cheese, hummus and lettuce, and a small side of beans.... the beans are repetitive but I wanted her to get her protein! Also, the hummus was repetitive too... Considering my love for hummus, I wouldn't be surprised if we eat it all this weekend!
Anyway, my goal was to cut out carbs because I knew she had those for breakfast and morning snack. I think tomorrow I'll keep the carbs out of the first half of the day so that we can do nice and easy pasta for dinner. :)
Ok... I need to go to bed! I apologize that this place is just where I spew my thoughts, and don't necessarily tell anything that would be interesting to read. I realized that what really keeps me writing is not the thought that one or two friends may read (in fact I often forget this), but instead the thought that in a few years I can look back on my life at this time. It makes for a rather boring blog. Sorry!
I realized that I'm kind of awkward with other caretakers at a park. They assume I'm a mom (which is logical, better to assume an aunt/nanny a mom, than to assume a mom to be an aunt or a nanny!!) - so I have to find the right time to fit in "I'm her aunt". Also it requires smalltalk which I often try to avoid. That said, it was fun and there was a nice mother there who is going to look into E's preschool for her own child next year!
The walk home from the park was a big trickier - she would stop occasionally, tried to put her souvenir rock in her mouth, didn't always want to have her hand held. I threatened our evening movie (a reward that she only got if she had a good day and obeyed). That worked and we were able to get home much quicker from then on. After dinner we did watch a bit of a movie, and we also talked to Anna for a bit. Overall, it was a good evening. I'm exhausted though! I've gotten very used to a particular routine, which does not involve going out places, talking to people or keeping a youngin' happy, healthy, safe and mannered.
I'm trying to keep her diet balanced. She is used to a really good variety. When explaining the routine, Brad said it doesn't matter too much what she eats as long as it isn't all carbs, all dairy, etc. When I came over this morning he told me really not to worry about it, saying he wants it to be easy for me. I still want to give her a really good healthy balance, but it can be hard!
Lunch: some beans (soupish) with half a wheat tortilla, some cottage cheese... she ate a lot less than I thought she would, so after half the tortilla she wasn't too hungry for more beans or cottage cheese - the main points of the lunch!
Snack: a small banana and some carrots and hummus ...
Dinner: a pita with cheese, hummus and lettuce, and a small side of beans.... the beans are repetitive but I wanted her to get her protein! Also, the hummus was repetitive too... Considering my love for hummus, I wouldn't be surprised if we eat it all this weekend!
Anyway, my goal was to cut out carbs because I knew she had those for breakfast and morning snack. I think tomorrow I'll keep the carbs out of the first half of the day so that we can do nice and easy pasta for dinner. :)
Ok... I need to go to bed! I apologize that this place is just where I spew my thoughts, and don't necessarily tell anything that would be interesting to read. I realized that what really keeps me writing is not the thought that one or two friends may read (in fact I often forget this), but instead the thought that in a few years I can look back on my life at this time. It makes for a rather boring blog. Sorry!
Babysitting
I'm babysitting E this weekend! It should be lots of fun, though more difficult than I'm used to. Its the longest shift I've ever watched a child. I have overnight babysat before, but the kids were a couple years older. I know E really well, know how she is used to being disciplined and what her routine is. So, though I assume it will be more exhausting than ever before, it should also be more fun!
Her folks left about two hours ago. She and I played imaginary games - she was insistent "something (scary) was happening" and we had to go discover it. When imagining this weekend and all the fun things we could do, "tea party" came to mind. So I asked E, "have you ever played tea party before?". "No," she replied eagerly, clearly interested in learning what this party game is "lets play!". I told her you need to invite guests (her little toy sheep and Marlie, a doll), dress up (gloves and a wide brimmed hat), and drink tea and scones. She eagerly prepared some tea for us in her toy kitchen, sat down and served us all. I also taught her how ladies sit and drink - one leg cross, back straight, chin up, smile -- and of course - a pinky up when drinking tea! She loved it. :)
After (real) lunch she went down for a nap and has been asleep for an hour now. When she wakes up, I think we're going to head to the park!
The only thing I'm anxious about is driving. They put the car seat in my car and said that I can drive wherever I want. I know I'll head up to Janet's tomorrow afternoon, and probably stop by our house to see Max. That's easy, because that is a route I know so well. They're low on milk and if there is anything else I need, I'll need to go to the store. I'm not sure how I feel about that! I'll let you know what I end up doing.... :)
Her folks left about two hours ago. She and I played imaginary games - she was insistent "something (scary) was happening" and we had to go discover it. When imagining this weekend and all the fun things we could do, "tea party" came to mind. So I asked E, "have you ever played tea party before?". "No," she replied eagerly, clearly interested in learning what this party game is "lets play!". I told her you need to invite guests (her little toy sheep and Marlie, a doll), dress up (gloves and a wide brimmed hat), and drink tea and scones. She eagerly prepared some tea for us in her toy kitchen, sat down and served us all. I also taught her how ladies sit and drink - one leg cross, back straight, chin up, smile -- and of course - a pinky up when drinking tea! She loved it. :)
After (real) lunch she went down for a nap and has been asleep for an hour now. When she wakes up, I think we're going to head to the park!
The only thing I'm anxious about is driving. They put the car seat in my car and said that I can drive wherever I want. I know I'll head up to Janet's tomorrow afternoon, and probably stop by our house to see Max. That's easy, because that is a route I know so well. They're low on milk and if there is anything else I need, I'll need to go to the store. I'm not sure how I feel about that! I'll let you know what I end up doing.... :)
Monday, June 20, 2011
Shattered glass
Every morning when I drink my coffee, I put it into a tall glass. I add the coffee, my creamer and some ice and have a nice cool iced drink that I can drink quickly. Nothing worse than getting a tongue burnt on hot coffee!
I have done this for a long time, maybe even a year.
Today, for the first time, I shattered glass! I always knew that it was a possibility with extreme temperatures. I also knew that the glasses that I own are kind of cheap and break easy. But the fact that it hadn't happened for a year made it go into the back of my mind, figuring it just wasn't possible.
Luckily I was standing next to the sink still when it happened, so I just set the glass in there. I got another pot brewing so that I wouldn't be too delayed in drinking coffee (that would be horrible!!). I drained the glass and threw it away (second glass in there - another shatter when it lightly tapped a bowl when I was emptying the dishwasher. Almost every glass is chipped somewhere along the rim, too! Maybe as these slowly break away, I'll eventually buy a new, sturdy set!
I have done this for a long time, maybe even a year.
Today, for the first time, I shattered glass! I always knew that it was a possibility with extreme temperatures. I also knew that the glasses that I own are kind of cheap and break easy. But the fact that it hadn't happened for a year made it go into the back of my mind, figuring it just wasn't possible.
Luckily I was standing next to the sink still when it happened, so I just set the glass in there. I got another pot brewing so that I wouldn't be too delayed in drinking coffee (that would be horrible!!). I drained the glass and threw it away (second glass in there - another shatter when it lightly tapped a bowl when I was emptying the dishwasher. Almost every glass is chipped somewhere along the rim, too! Maybe as these slowly break away, I'll eventually buy a new, sturdy set!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
10 Days and Addiction
Only 10 days until Anna gets to the US! Which also means 10 days until my birthday. I currently have that day off so that I can go and see Anna when she gets picked up at the airport. The thought of not being there is tragic. However, that would require me to come home really late Tuesday night (working 4 10s), have little to do in the morning, see her for a couple hours in the afternoon and then I would have to leave again. She has dinner plans with her Dad, I believe. The weekend following is 4th of July weekend, and would be a much more logical time to take off. Problem is, probably everyone else already is and I don't want to inconvenience my employer.
I guess I'll have to think on that.
This will be my first week doing four tens. I am kind of nervous. If I get in there and start working at 8am, I won't be able to leave until 6:30pm. That is certainly a long day. I don't have tons of groceries right now, so I'm going to need to go shopping. In addition, I need to clean because I left some cleaning projects only half way done. I want to cook extra meals so that I have lunches for the week. I didn't do any trip planning this weekend, even though I really need to. Plus - my addiction (which I will explain later) - is taking up a lot of my time. I'm not quite sure how I will fit that into my evenings. My current plan is this:
-Go to bed by 10:30 tonight, and try and get to bed as early as possible each night thereafter.
-Wake up at 6am, drink my coffee and pump my bike tires. Luckily, I don't need to shower
-Get to work as early as possible - if that means before 8, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
-Work all day long
-Eat whatever I can throw together for lunch - my punishment for not shopping this weekend!
-Go to haggens immediately after work, buy haggenese to eat after done shopping
-Finish cleaning the stove (I can no longer claim that I am just letting the grease pans soak - now I am clearly just procrastinating).
-Hopefully by this point it will be 8 pm at latest, giving me time to have fun/plan trips before my 10 o'clock bedtime
There. I have a plan. Beautiful!
My addiction is Sims3. There is nothing new about that, besides the expansion back that I just bought. I considered it an early birthday gift to myself. I spent all of Saturday evening/night playing (until 2 am!), and started playing it right when I woke up today. And just now stopped. I only took a break to clean out the shower drain (ew) and take a shower. On Saturday Sandy came up to visit, and so a group of us got together to go out to lunch and go down to boulevard. It was a very nice day. I also got a lot of good cleaning done Saturday. I say it was a good weekend.
Now wish me luck that I can have a good week! Four tens is scary, but I hope if I can get myself up early enough and motivate myself to clean and do errands as necessary in the evenings, it will become the new normal before I know it!
3 minutes to spare! Woot! Goodnight. :)
I guess I'll have to think on that.
This will be my first week doing four tens. I am kind of nervous. If I get in there and start working at 8am, I won't be able to leave until 6:30pm. That is certainly a long day. I don't have tons of groceries right now, so I'm going to need to go shopping. In addition, I need to clean because I left some cleaning projects only half way done. I want to cook extra meals so that I have lunches for the week. I didn't do any trip planning this weekend, even though I really need to. Plus - my addiction (which I will explain later) - is taking up a lot of my time. I'm not quite sure how I will fit that into my evenings. My current plan is this:
-Go to bed by 10:30 tonight, and try and get to bed as early as possible each night thereafter.
-Wake up at 6am, drink my coffee and pump my bike tires. Luckily, I don't need to shower
-Get to work as early as possible - if that means before 8, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
-Work all day long
-Eat whatever I can throw together for lunch - my punishment for not shopping this weekend!
-Go to haggens immediately after work, buy haggenese to eat after done shopping
-Finish cleaning the stove (I can no longer claim that I am just letting the grease pans soak - now I am clearly just procrastinating).
-Hopefully by this point it will be 8 pm at latest, giving me time to have fun/plan trips before my 10 o'clock bedtime
There. I have a plan. Beautiful!
My addiction is Sims3. There is nothing new about that, besides the expansion back that I just bought. I considered it an early birthday gift to myself. I spent all of Saturday evening/night playing (until 2 am!), and started playing it right when I woke up today. And just now stopped. I only took a break to clean out the shower drain (ew) and take a shower. On Saturday Sandy came up to visit, and so a group of us got together to go out to lunch and go down to boulevard. It was a very nice day. I also got a lot of good cleaning done Saturday. I say it was a good weekend.
Now wish me luck that I can have a good week! Four tens is scary, but I hope if I can get myself up early enough and motivate myself to clean and do errands as necessary in the evenings, it will become the new normal before I know it!
3 minutes to spare! Woot! Goodnight. :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Summer
This is my first summer that doesn't start with the end of school. I knew that last summer was my last summer, but I didn't quite realize what that meant. It truly does feel different. Summer is now just another season. Yes, it might mean a little vacation. Yes, it means beautiful weather and nice evenings spent outdoors. Not to say that the weather has been that nice so far. But there isn't the excitement that comes with the season when it means a break from school. The summer is truly no different to me than spring or fall. I mean, I am certainly excited for Anna to come visit. I love the warm weather, and hope to spend time in it. As long as I don't get burnt. Remind me to tell you about Epic Burn, 2011.
Anyway, I thought I'd record the fact that summer is no longer special in the way it used to be. It is just another season, with its wonderful rewards but no special magic. Its like when I found out Santa wasn't real. Kind of.
Anyway, I thought I'd record the fact that summer is no longer special in the way it used to be. It is just another season, with its wonderful rewards but no special magic. Its like when I found out Santa wasn't real. Kind of.
So much to say!
I have been meaning to write for awhile, but just haven't gotten to it. There are so many separate posts going through my mind, and whenever that happens I don't write because I know I don't have time for them all.
First thing that is on my mind: there are SO many things to look forward to. Anna will be arriving in Seattle in 2 weeks! I have a summer of fun visiting ahead of me. I also get to spend the summer preparing for my new apartment. Karisa is my official hero, since she agreed to house me and my belongings for the week I will be homeless. I get to move into my new place and decorate it for real (I have yet to truly decorate a place how I want it to look). I'm going to take a group trip with HS friends - big or small, it will be fun. And of course, I am going to HAWAII in September. One full week, lots of volcanoes, national parks and beaches. I can't wait. I also cannot wait to visit Anna in China this January - two weeks seeing her and the sites. I have so many thoughts on all these wonderful things to come, I'm going to try and be better and voice them.
There is one problem with having a series of exciting events - it is almost overwhelming. Plus, I feel guilty being excited for Item D when that means Items A, B and C will be done. Its almost tragic. But not really.
In the more present time... I have started biking to work. I feel great from the boost to my metabolism that a change in work out style always brings. I can feel the trip getting easier and easier. Thought I don't monitor weight too closely, last weekend I realized that I am 1 pound away from my target weight (the one that gets me into "Average" instead of "Overweight" on the BMI scale - I've been within 5 or 10 pounds of that for awhile, resting comfortably). I'm going to have to decide what my next target should be.
There are things weighing on me too. For example, I really really need to clean. My apartment needs a deep, deep cleaning. I don't want it to be the week before I have to move out and suddenly have a nightmarish cleaning job ahead of me. Instead, I plan on cleaning now and every evening I can, working at it bit by bit and keeping it nice and clean all summer long. I also have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do just in terms of my belongings. I need to weed out junk that I don't need, furniture that I don't like and clothes that I don't wear. I hope to have only the necessary belongings when I move into Karisa's place, so that I don't overcrowd her area with useless stuff. I am really good about thinking about cleaning instead of actually cleaning. For example, I had hoped to clean tonight, but instead I just planned trips. I had also hoped to clean last night, but instead I finished Smallville.
Brief aside - I get way too into TV shows. I have been watching Smallville for MONTHS. There are 10 seasons, so it takes a long time to get through. I am pretty sure that I started watching a month or so before winter break. Now that I'm done, there is a noticeable lack of what to do in my spare time. (Clean?)
I am still weighed down by major thoughts on my future. I still wonder if I should just pick up and move somewhere and force myself to get a life. I wonder if Bellingham is truly the city for me, and if I can ever feel as happy here as I want to be. I'm not sure if I'm losing hope in getting a full life here, or if I am getting more happy with the life of a shut in. I do know that any other option in my present would not have left me with the ability to go home every weekend to see Anna over the summer, go on a trip with friends, go to Hawaii AND go to China. That is lucky and it is all due to the security of my job.
I've simply realized that there is a lot about Bellingham that I don't like. I'm not the biggest fan of aspects of the culture of the town. I'm not sure what town I am a fan of. I enjoy my job, but I think it might be too stressful to be truly happy. But I have NO idea what job would leave me happy. I think that I should go back to school, but I'm not sure what I would study or if I would even want to be in school again.
I don't feel depressed. I realize the way I write may make it seem like I am sitting here, moping. Instead, I get into my TV shows, busy myself with procrastination of the errands I truly need to do - making them take more of my time, and (my personal favorite) -- planning. I honestly spend the majority of my time working, in my office. I suppose that is normal - everyone does that. But part of me feels like I should just be living on a beach somewhere.
Man, I told you I had a lot to say. My mind goes between the small and big in an instant, and it is all very taxing.
How long should I work at my job? This is the kind of job that I could stay at for the rest of my life. It is depressing to think about retirement when you are 21 years old and feel like you haven't done anything yet. On the other hand, I can't help but desire the financial security and the opportunity that brings (re: china, hawaii....). How do I make myself love Bellingham? Why don't I already? I feel like everyone loves Bellingham besides me.
I also realized that having no social life has become completely normal for me. I talk to friends on the phone regularly, and skype Anna every night. The occasional weekend Rachael and I hang out (though she's gone now... :( ). Besides that, I don't have a social life. Strange thing is that seems normal to me now. I know it is normal for other people. I know there are a lot of people out there who crave friends, or truly close friends. I am not lacking in close friends - I have people I can count on. However when I realize that I haven't "hung out" in ages... its strange. When my coworkers talk about shows (ie concerts), or going to dinner someplace or other ... I just don't do that! But I'm not sure who I would do that with. It's strange to imagine future friends. I just can't do it, because it has been so long since I've met someone new, made a new friend. I can't imagine someone being important in my future that I don't know now!
Once again, I want to reiterate that I am not depressed about this. Maybe that is what should worry me. This is my new normal. I'm less ok with my acceptance of my situation than the situation itself.
One nice thing about the summer is that I will truly be living in Edmonds. I will spend 4 days a week in Bellingham, and those days will have 10 hr work days that will give me only a few hours in the evening to eat, clean and/or be bored. I will spend the majority of my time in Edmonds and that will be nice.
So.... what do I think? What should I do in my life? What would 70 year old Amy say to myself right now? I feel like 70 year old Amy would probably have a lot of opinions on the matter, and I just wish I knew what they were.
Back to the small (I go back and forth between the big and small, I swear)... I really need to clean. Cleaning does SO much for my mentality. It is settled: this weekend I will clean, if I like it or not. If I have the smallest inkling to clean, I will not suppress it in favor of other activities. I will embrace it and use it for good.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
Where do I want to live?
How much do I actually love the NW vs. how I know I should feel?
My parents are in Germany right now which makes me sooo happy! I felt guilty going to Europe when my Mom hadn't yet gone. Having her trip off her list of things to do (not to say they can't go again...) is so relieving.
I'm not a fan of adult responsibilities - like choosing benefits, finding new doctors and dentists, getting car insurance and taking your car in for oil changes. That has been a major theme of these last couple weeks as I've gotten my full time position. *End miniature rant*
How can I be so unappreciative of what I have? I think I appreciate it. No, I know I do. But just because I am not happy in every way that I want to be, I can't help but complain. I am very forunate to have the job that I do and be able to take the trips that I have planned. These kinds of trips are the reason I am working at this job. Maybe the definition of these few years should just be "Work to travel." The name of my next phase can be completely different.
Whatever happened to going to France? I haven't even spoken french in 3 mos. Wow... that is bad. Summer goal: speak french! I need to read french books, watch french movies, read friends news sites and hang out with my one French friend that is still kind of a friend even though I haven't seen her in 3 mos.
If I feel like moving somewhere random, it may as well be a place that helps me improve my French... right? Or Africa! I could still go work in an orphanage. Whatever happened to that? I also still want to just live on a tropical beach for awhile. But if I do those things, how can I afford my next South America trip, or the trip to Australia/New Zealand that Laura and I are going to do 2013?
What do I do about the part of me that still feels like I should work in health care? What about social work? I know that won't make me money, but I can see myself doing that. I've looked into being a Speech Therapist... but is that actually something I want to do? I'm not so sure... What the fuck should I do with my life?
Wow, I am truly rambling right now. I can't focus on the big picture too much right now. So instead, I am going to shower and go to bed. In the morning I will go to work, and discuss reorganization in student employees, possibly doubling the number of people I supervise. I will come home and talk with Laura for a couple of hours about Hawaii. I will clean dishes, throw away trash, clean counters and vacuum. I will actually do something instead of just thinking about it. I promise. I promise.
Last thought of the night... it is weird to have everyone else graduating from college. I am no longer the only one. I am now one of many. They are learning the situation I am in, and now I have others in my same place. It is very strange. Not sure why though.
Ok... seriously... this was just a ramble to clear my head. Thank you for reading, if you did (I doubt you did). Goodnight.
My (not new) goal is "do don't think".
First thing that is on my mind: there are SO many things to look forward to. Anna will be arriving in Seattle in 2 weeks! I have a summer of fun visiting ahead of me. I also get to spend the summer preparing for my new apartment. Karisa is my official hero, since she agreed to house me and my belongings for the week I will be homeless. I get to move into my new place and decorate it for real (I have yet to truly decorate a place how I want it to look). I'm going to take a group trip with HS friends - big or small, it will be fun. And of course, I am going to HAWAII in September. One full week, lots of volcanoes, national parks and beaches. I can't wait. I also cannot wait to visit Anna in China this January - two weeks seeing her and the sites. I have so many thoughts on all these wonderful things to come, I'm going to try and be better and voice them.
There is one problem with having a series of exciting events - it is almost overwhelming. Plus, I feel guilty being excited for Item D when that means Items A, B and C will be done. Its almost tragic. But not really.
In the more present time... I have started biking to work. I feel great from the boost to my metabolism that a change in work out style always brings. I can feel the trip getting easier and easier. Thought I don't monitor weight too closely, last weekend I realized that I am 1 pound away from my target weight (the one that gets me into "Average" instead of "Overweight" on the BMI scale - I've been within 5 or 10 pounds of that for awhile, resting comfortably). I'm going to have to decide what my next target should be.
There are things weighing on me too. For example, I really really need to clean. My apartment needs a deep, deep cleaning. I don't want it to be the week before I have to move out and suddenly have a nightmarish cleaning job ahead of me. Instead, I plan on cleaning now and every evening I can, working at it bit by bit and keeping it nice and clean all summer long. I also have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do just in terms of my belongings. I need to weed out junk that I don't need, furniture that I don't like and clothes that I don't wear. I hope to have only the necessary belongings when I move into Karisa's place, so that I don't overcrowd her area with useless stuff. I am really good about thinking about cleaning instead of actually cleaning. For example, I had hoped to clean tonight, but instead I just planned trips. I had also hoped to clean last night, but instead I finished Smallville.
Brief aside - I get way too into TV shows. I have been watching Smallville for MONTHS. There are 10 seasons, so it takes a long time to get through. I am pretty sure that I started watching a month or so before winter break. Now that I'm done, there is a noticeable lack of what to do in my spare time. (Clean?)
I am still weighed down by major thoughts on my future. I still wonder if I should just pick up and move somewhere and force myself to get a life. I wonder if Bellingham is truly the city for me, and if I can ever feel as happy here as I want to be. I'm not sure if I'm losing hope in getting a full life here, or if I am getting more happy with the life of a shut in. I do know that any other option in my present would not have left me with the ability to go home every weekend to see Anna over the summer, go on a trip with friends, go to Hawaii AND go to China. That is lucky and it is all due to the security of my job.
I've simply realized that there is a lot about Bellingham that I don't like. I'm not the biggest fan of aspects of the culture of the town. I'm not sure what town I am a fan of. I enjoy my job, but I think it might be too stressful to be truly happy. But I have NO idea what job would leave me happy. I think that I should go back to school, but I'm not sure what I would study or if I would even want to be in school again.
I don't feel depressed. I realize the way I write may make it seem like I am sitting here, moping. Instead, I get into my TV shows, busy myself with procrastination of the errands I truly need to do - making them take more of my time, and (my personal favorite) -- planning. I honestly spend the majority of my time working, in my office. I suppose that is normal - everyone does that. But part of me feels like I should just be living on a beach somewhere.
Man, I told you I had a lot to say. My mind goes between the small and big in an instant, and it is all very taxing.
How long should I work at my job? This is the kind of job that I could stay at for the rest of my life. It is depressing to think about retirement when you are 21 years old and feel like you haven't done anything yet. On the other hand, I can't help but desire the financial security and the opportunity that brings (re: china, hawaii....). How do I make myself love Bellingham? Why don't I already? I feel like everyone loves Bellingham besides me.
I also realized that having no social life has become completely normal for me. I talk to friends on the phone regularly, and skype Anna every night. The occasional weekend Rachael and I hang out (though she's gone now... :( ). Besides that, I don't have a social life. Strange thing is that seems normal to me now. I know it is normal for other people. I know there are a lot of people out there who crave friends, or truly close friends. I am not lacking in close friends - I have people I can count on. However when I realize that I haven't "hung out" in ages... its strange. When my coworkers talk about shows (ie concerts), or going to dinner someplace or other ... I just don't do that! But I'm not sure who I would do that with. It's strange to imagine future friends. I just can't do it, because it has been so long since I've met someone new, made a new friend. I can't imagine someone being important in my future that I don't know now!
Once again, I want to reiterate that I am not depressed about this. Maybe that is what should worry me. This is my new normal. I'm less ok with my acceptance of my situation than the situation itself.
One nice thing about the summer is that I will truly be living in Edmonds. I will spend 4 days a week in Bellingham, and those days will have 10 hr work days that will give me only a few hours in the evening to eat, clean and/or be bored. I will spend the majority of my time in Edmonds and that will be nice.
So.... what do I think? What should I do in my life? What would 70 year old Amy say to myself right now? I feel like 70 year old Amy would probably have a lot of opinions on the matter, and I just wish I knew what they were.
Back to the small (I go back and forth between the big and small, I swear)... I really need to clean. Cleaning does SO much for my mentality. It is settled: this weekend I will clean, if I like it or not. If I have the smallest inkling to clean, I will not suppress it in favor of other activities. I will embrace it and use it for good.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
Where do I want to live?
How much do I actually love the NW vs. how I know I should feel?
My parents are in Germany right now which makes me sooo happy! I felt guilty going to Europe when my Mom hadn't yet gone. Having her trip off her list of things to do (not to say they can't go again...) is so relieving.
I'm not a fan of adult responsibilities - like choosing benefits, finding new doctors and dentists, getting car insurance and taking your car in for oil changes. That has been a major theme of these last couple weeks as I've gotten my full time position. *End miniature rant*
How can I be so unappreciative of what I have? I think I appreciate it. No, I know I do. But just because I am not happy in every way that I want to be, I can't help but complain. I am very forunate to have the job that I do and be able to take the trips that I have planned. These kinds of trips are the reason I am working at this job. Maybe the definition of these few years should just be "Work to travel." The name of my next phase can be completely different.
Whatever happened to going to France? I haven't even spoken french in 3 mos. Wow... that is bad. Summer goal: speak french! I need to read french books, watch french movies, read friends news sites and hang out with my one French friend that is still kind of a friend even though I haven't seen her in 3 mos.
If I feel like moving somewhere random, it may as well be a place that helps me improve my French... right? Or Africa! I could still go work in an orphanage. Whatever happened to that? I also still want to just live on a tropical beach for awhile. But if I do those things, how can I afford my next South America trip, or the trip to Australia/New Zealand that Laura and I are going to do 2013?
What do I do about the part of me that still feels like I should work in health care? What about social work? I know that won't make me money, but I can see myself doing that. I've looked into being a Speech Therapist... but is that actually something I want to do? I'm not so sure... What the fuck should I do with my life?
Wow, I am truly rambling right now. I can't focus on the big picture too much right now. So instead, I am going to shower and go to bed. In the morning I will go to work, and discuss reorganization in student employees, possibly doubling the number of people I supervise. I will come home and talk with Laura for a couple of hours about Hawaii. I will clean dishes, throw away trash, clean counters and vacuum. I will actually do something instead of just thinking about it. I promise. I promise.
Last thought of the night... it is weird to have everyone else graduating from college. I am no longer the only one. I am now one of many. They are learning the situation I am in, and now I have others in my same place. It is very strange. Not sure why though.
Ok... seriously... this was just a ramble to clear my head. Thank you for reading, if you did (I doubt you did). Goodnight.
My (not new) goal is "do don't think".
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