So much to say!

I have been meaning to write for awhile, but just haven't gotten to it. There are so many separate posts going through my mind, and whenever that happens I don't write because I know I don't have time for them all.

First thing that is on my mind: there are SO many things to look forward to. Anna will be arriving in Seattle in 2 weeks! I have a summer of fun visiting ahead of me. I also get to spend the summer preparing for my new apartment. Karisa is my official hero, since she agreed to house me and my belongings for the week I will be homeless. I get to move into my new place and decorate it for real (I have yet to truly decorate a place how I want it to look). I'm going to take a group trip with HS friends - big or small, it will be fun. And of course, I am going to HAWAII in September. One full week, lots of volcanoes, national parks and beaches. I can't wait. I also cannot wait to visit Anna in China this January - two weeks seeing her and the sites. I have so many thoughts on all these wonderful things to come, I'm going to try and be better and voice them.

There is one problem with having a series of exciting events - it is almost overwhelming. Plus, I feel guilty being excited for Item D when that means Items A, B and C will be done. Its almost tragic. But not really.

In the more present time... I have started biking to work. I feel great from the boost to my metabolism that a change in work out style always brings. I can feel the trip getting easier and easier. Thought I don't monitor weight too closely, last weekend I realized that I am 1 pound away from my target weight (the one that gets me into "Average" instead of "Overweight" on the BMI scale - I've been within 5 or 10 pounds of that for awhile, resting comfortably). I'm going to have to decide what my next target should be.

There are things weighing on me too. For example, I really really need to clean. My apartment needs a deep, deep cleaning. I don't want it to be the week before I have to move out and suddenly have a nightmarish cleaning job ahead of me. Instead, I plan on cleaning now and every evening I can, working at it bit by bit and keeping it nice and clean all summer long. I also have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do just in terms of my belongings. I need to weed out junk that I don't need, furniture that I don't like and clothes that I don't wear. I hope to have only the necessary belongings when I move into Karisa's place, so that I don't overcrowd her area with useless stuff. I am really good about thinking about cleaning instead of actually cleaning. For example, I had hoped to clean tonight, but instead I just planned trips. I had also hoped to clean last night, but instead I finished Smallville.

Brief aside - I get way too into TV shows. I have been watching Smallville for MONTHS. There are 10 seasons, so it takes a long time to get through. I am pretty sure that I started watching a month or so before winter break. Now that I'm done, there is a noticeable lack of what to do in my spare time. (Clean?)

I am still weighed down by major thoughts on my future. I still wonder if I should just pick up and move somewhere and force myself to get a life. I wonder if Bellingham is truly the city for me, and if I can ever feel as happy here as I want to be. I'm not sure if I'm losing hope in getting a full life here, or if I am getting more happy with the life of a shut in. I do know that any other option in my present would not have left me with the ability to go home every weekend to see Anna over the summer, go on a trip with friends, go to Hawaii AND go to China. That is lucky and it is all due to the security of my job.

I've simply realized that there is a lot about Bellingham that I don't like. I'm not the biggest fan of aspects of the culture of the town. I'm not sure what town I am a fan of. I enjoy my job, but I think it might be too stressful to be truly happy. But I have NO idea what job would leave me happy. I think that I should go back to school, but I'm not sure what I would study or if I would even want to be in school again.

I don't feel depressed. I realize the way I write may make it seem like I am sitting here, moping. Instead, I get into my TV shows, busy myself with procrastination of the errands I truly need to do - making them take more of my time, and (my personal favorite) -- planning. I honestly spend the majority of my time working, in my office. I suppose that is normal - everyone does that. But part of me feels like I should just be living on a beach somewhere.

Man, I told you I had a lot to say. My mind goes between the small and big in an instant, and it is all very taxing.

How long should I work at my job? This is the kind of job that I could stay at for the rest of my life. It is depressing to think about retirement when you are 21 years old and feel like you haven't done anything yet. On the other hand, I can't help but desire the financial security and the opportunity that brings (re: china, hawaii....). How do I make myself love Bellingham? Why don't I already? I feel like everyone loves Bellingham besides me.

I also realized that having no social life has become completely normal for me. I talk to friends on the phone regularly, and skype Anna every night. The occasional weekend Rachael and I hang out (though she's gone now... :( ). Besides that, I don't have a social life. Strange thing is that seems normal to me now. I know it is normal for other people. I know there are a lot of people out there who crave friends, or truly close friends. I am not lacking in close friends - I have people I can count on. However when I realize that I haven't "hung out" in ages... its strange. When my coworkers talk about shows (ie concerts), or going to dinner someplace or other ... I just don't do that! But I'm not sure who I would do that with. It's strange to imagine future friends. I just can't do it, because it has been so long since I've met someone new, made a new friend. I can't imagine someone being important in my future that I don't know now!

Once again, I want to reiterate that I am not depressed about this. Maybe that is what should worry me. This is my new normal. I'm less ok with my acceptance of my situation than the situation itself.

One nice thing about the summer is that I will truly be living in Edmonds. I will spend 4 days a week in Bellingham, and those days will have 10 hr work days that will give me only a few hours in the evening to eat, clean and/or be bored. I will spend the majority of my time in Edmonds and that will be nice.

So.... what do I think? What should I do in my life? What would 70 year old Amy say to myself right now? I feel like 70 year old Amy would probably have a lot of opinions on the matter, and I just wish I knew what they were.

Back to the small (I go back and forth between the big and small, I swear)... I really need to clean. Cleaning does SO much for my mentality. It is settled: this weekend I will clean, if I like it or not. If I have the smallest inkling to clean, I will not suppress it in favor of other activities. I will embrace it and use it for good.

What do I want to be when I grow up?
Where do I want to live?
How much do I actually love the NW vs. how I know I should feel?

My parents are in Germany right now which makes me sooo happy! I felt guilty going to Europe when my Mom hadn't yet gone. Having her trip off her list of things to do (not to say they can't go again...) is so relieving.

I'm not a fan of adult responsibilities - like choosing benefits, finding new doctors and dentists, getting car insurance and taking your car in for oil changes. That has been a major theme of these last couple weeks as I've gotten my full time position. *End miniature rant*

How can I be so unappreciative of what I have? I think I appreciate it. No, I know I do. But just because I am not happy in every way that I want to be, I can't help but complain. I am very forunate to have the job that I do and be able to take the trips that I have planned. These kinds of trips are the reason I am working at this job. Maybe the definition of these few years should just be "Work to travel." The name of my next phase can be completely different.

Whatever happened to going to France? I haven't even spoken french in 3 mos. Wow... that is bad. Summer goal: speak french! I need to read french books, watch french movies, read friends news sites and hang out with my one French friend that is still kind of a friend even though I haven't seen her in 3 mos.

If I feel like moving somewhere random, it may as well be a place that helps me improve my French... right? Or Africa! I could still go work in an orphanage. Whatever happened to that? I also still want to just live on a tropical beach for awhile. But if I do those things, how can I afford my next South America trip, or the trip to Australia/New Zealand that Laura and I are going to do 2013?

What do I do about the part of me that still feels like I should work in health care? What about social work? I know that won't make me money, but I can see myself doing that. I've looked into being a Speech Therapist... but is that actually something I want to do? I'm not so sure... What the fuck should I do with my life?

Wow, I am truly rambling right now. I can't focus on the big picture too much right now. So instead, I am going to shower and go to bed. In the morning I will go to work, and discuss reorganization in student employees, possibly doubling the number of people I supervise. I will come home and talk with Laura for a couple of hours about Hawaii. I will clean dishes, throw away trash, clean counters and vacuum. I will actually do something instead of just thinking about it. I promise. I promise.

Last thought of the night... it is weird to have everyone else graduating from college. I am no longer the only one. I am now one of many. They are learning the situation I am in, and now I have others in my same place. It is very strange. Not sure why though.

Ok... seriously... this was just a ramble to clear my head. Thank you for reading, if you did (I doubt you did). Goodnight.

My (not new) goal is "do don't think".